Friday, October 17, 2014

I Slid


I slid between the notes
Somewhere between E and F
I slid, caught in life’s
Harmonic minor scale
I could not rise to love’s
Seventh semitone

I slid, ensnared in
Melancholic dissonance
Of haunting fear,
History’s sub-dominant theme
Teasing with diminishing
Cycles of disharmony

The tonal reverberation
Of antiquity
The haunting silence
Of love’s absence
Still trapped in the
Murmuring present

I keep practicing
Love’s major scale
I try…….
So forgive me for longing
For the echoing resonance of

Eternity

Thursday, October 16, 2014

It's 1:30am


It’s 1:30am
I am awake
So is the willy wag tail
I wonder what his excuse is
For ripping the darkness
With his song
Hope beating in his breast
His song may pierce the dreams
Of a feathered mate
I lie listening
In breathing silence
Hope pierced by reality
Lies undisturbed
Within my breast
It’s 2:00am

I am awake

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Desire


Primal itch,
Tickling imagination
With aroused retina’s
Distended from desire
For blended body parts
Captured in salacious seconds

Craving, calibrated
In a centisecond
Reality bent with
Resourceful risk
To conform with
Imagining’s fantasy

We embrace with a smile
Fondling our phantoms
Caressing and climaxing
We pass,
Into the concreteness
Of reality


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Really


I’m not angry,
Not really
After all, you say
Anger is a sin

I’m not angry
My face is painted
In a grin
Veneered thin

I’m not angry
For I am good
A marionette
On your string

Anger was your domain
Rage baked
In the kiln of your impotence
Glazed with God’s love

I’m not angry
You taught me well
The lies
Of self deception

I’m not angry
Though, if truth is told
The veneer has cracked
The string is cut

I’m filled with rage
I’d grab you
By your throat
As once you did to me

I’m filled with rage
A towering rage
That scares me
To my core

I’m filled with rage
I’d beat you to a pulp
But you have left the stage
Leaving your rage

Once more, I say
Though with a quaver
In my voice
I’m not angry

I’m not angry
Not really
But really
I am angry



Monday, October 6, 2014

Restless


Restlessness
Stalks, with
Irritable insistence

Latching with
Leech like intensity
On ligaments of lust

That balance adroitly
On the probability
Of risk and opportunity

Poised portraits
Lust compacted
Into twitter speak

Desire downsized, miniaturised
Chokes, shrivelling impotently
In the glare of blank stares

While fingers flick
The rosary of the screen

To keep restlessness at bay

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Fall


I hang
Suspended
Entangled in the
Web of your gaze

Suspended
I hang
Waiting
Mesmerised

Captured
In pools of light,
Galaxies reflected
From your eyes

Seized by light
I hang half-way
In the chasm
Between our kiss

In that moment
Between our breath
Caught in the universe
Of your gaze

I slip into
The roaring
Silence
Of love’s abyss


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Particles


Diluted molecules
Fragments of expectations
Caught in the weave
Of insecurities
Welded together
Played with fierce
Intensity

Masks that were
Part of me
To hide the me
I could not be
Particles of possibilities
I could not lace
Together

Together?
I wish I was
Though perhaps not
Would I live
Age ossified into
Calcified, calloused certainty
Insecurities welded into predictability

I’ve learnt to love
The spaces
Between the insecurities
I’ve learnt to play with less
Intensity, and
Somewhere between the masks

There is me

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Desire


Desire is a dance
To be open,
To be seen in the eyes of another.
To be closed.
For our fantasies, 
Our secrets to remain ours

Resolving desire’s dance is challenging
Do we risk opening ourselves
To the gaze of another?
___________________________________________
He touched me
With a searing look
As if to find
Some hidden key

A look to penetrate
An inner part of me
A part held under
Lock and key

Rustlings of desire
Slithered through mausoleums 
Of disappointed faith
And despairing hope

But would desire
Unlock the key
I had rusted shut
With unshed tears

Albino secrets
Grown white and blind
Disconcerted by his gaze

Scurry to find some shade

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

As if


I knelt as if to pray
As if I believed

I hoped “as if”
Would be enough

Enough to make
Believe, belief

I’d lived my life
As if

As if
I was someone else

It wasn’t as if
I hadn’t tried

I’d tried to be
Myself

It was as if
Myself was not allowed

Did I live my life
As if I’d lied

As if the pain of hiding me
Was planned

I hoped and hid and tried
As if it would be enough

I have had to learn
We do not live

As if we lived
We simply

Live

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Nothing

There was nothing
Not the nothingness
Of emptiness
Rather nothings fullness
Filled to overflowing

Cascading, pouring through
The mind’s crevices
Expanding into
Unexpected completeness
Nothing that wasn’t nothing

But rather, was complete
Completely silent, while
The question hung, unspoken
The answer heard
In the silence of nothing

Feelings stilled
Captured, condensed
Extracted to its essence
The resonance, reverberating
Circling out into the nothing

It was there,
In the reverberating circle
Within the nothingness
The fullness, the profusion
Of love’s wild opulence


Thursday, July 10, 2014

For Matthew - Five Years Have Gone


 It crept with fluid transparency
Through the geography of my mind
A thought, single, piercing
Shaft of light flung against
Cumulus shadows

Five years have gone
Since he passed
I’ve lived within the shadows
Yet still I love him
That’s what fathers do

I could not keep him safe
My grief, my guilt
Entwined with love
His journey,
His to walk

Though he fell
He fell into love
And falling, his love
Washed over me
His love, fell into me

That single thought?
That shaft of light?
My tears, are they of grief?
Perhaps they are the backwash

Of his love

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Leaf


I watched its flight
Curled tissue of russet brown
The glory days of
Emerald green long gone

Unrestricted by attachment
It frolicked, dancing
On dying Antarctic winds
Sucking life from ice

But haunted by some memory
Hidden in its dying veins
It paused and hung
To a tree I could not see

Then fell
Releasing once more
Its hold, as if freedom
Was a burden

Its final legacy,
The recollection, that freedom
Is dancing in the haunting

Of burdened memories

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Untitled


I wait for you
To come to me
In the night
I wait, killing time
Till lights, grown tired
Of tinting shadows yellow
Flicker and fade

I listen for you
The silent tread on,
Arthritic floor boards
I listen for you
To come to me
The feathered whisperings
Of your breath

Some seek love’s passion
Amours, feverish fire
The blinding intensity
Ravaging a soul
Pillaging a heart
Attacked by desire
But I?

I seek you
The subtle intoxication
Of your lips against mine
In the darkness
In the stillness
When unpassed souls
Seek eternity’s slip stream

Come to me
My love
When eternity breaks
On the shore of time
And stars sigh and slip
Before the greying dawn
Come to me


Friday, July 4, 2014

Life


Life’s fragility
Searing in soft intensity
Breaths insistent repetition
Its constant invitation

To leave
The shadows
To dance in gay abandon
To waltz with love

The shadows call
With cold insistence
To live in the lobby
Of life suspended

Life played in simulation
A requiem danced
Charades of courage
For what might have been

Will I choose
The shimmering simulation
Or will I shuffle into life
Hesitant, cautiously tentative

I will choose
To waltz with love
Though I have to learn
The steps

I will risk this shuffle
The shuffle of life
Danced over the chasm
Of might have beens

In the silence
In the space
Your smile glimmers
From beyond the stars

We will dance
You and me
You beyond the stars
And me?

I will dance
In his arms
For in his eyes
I see ......


Thursday, July 3, 2014

Morning


Dome of cerulean blue,
The unseeing sky
Painted with the careless
Vibrancy of a new day
Circles me

Circles me with
Grace, uncluttered with care
Vitality’s naked energy
Still unjacketed by anxiety
Breathes into me

Breathes into me
Cloudless air of
Unseen icicles
Piercing sharp intensity
Kissing me

Kissing me
With light luminosity
A particle of sunlight
Shimmering shyly
Greets me


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The Sigh


Words failed
Slipped and fell
Into emptiness

The soul sighed
An out breathing,
Exhalation ejaculated
Into silence

Thoughts trickled
Braiding anxiety
Into warped reality

The soul sighed
Supressed murmur
Of longing
Flung into space

Passion suspended
Desire waiting
Listening for

The echoing sigh
Of the Soul
Embracing, captivating
In the warmth of inhalation

Inhalation entwining with exhalation
Breath dancing between the sighing
Satisfying the soul

Friday, June 6, 2014

Love

Love tip-toed
Into the place
Between the breaths
Finding space
In the pause
She made herself
At home

She did not
Come in a rush
More like the
Blush of dawn
A prelude
The hesitant notes
Of an unsung song

Unasked, uninvited
She was not perturbed
She simply sat
And waited
And waited
To be recognised
To be seen

Like a rising tide
She flowed into my life
Irresistibly insistent
Seeping into me
Filling me
I drowned

As love tip-toed into me

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Metamorphosis


Encrustations of yesterdays
Patterns of habits
Slowly suffocate, while
Constant repetition forms
Holograms of security
Delusions of living, cloistered
In the monastery of fear

Love’s intruding invasion
Penetrates confined forebodings
Disrupting, sabotaging
Habits of reptilian tenacity
Love’s disturbing grace
Shaking scared shibboleths
With careless disregard

The teasing invitation
Of transformation
The tantalising hope
Of difference
Newness birthed in
Love’s explosion
Of potential possibilities

Love’s invitation
To risk, to rise
To resurrect the soul
To shed cosseted security
To shout in affirmation
This is life, my only life

The gift of all I am

The Shadow


He came towards me
Ungainly, clumsy
In his gait
As if too long
He had slept
And had to learn
To walk again

He had slept too long
Hiding in the crevasses
Of my shame, waiting out
The snow storm of self doubt
The blizzard of fear, hoping
To blow itself into spring

Blundering towards me
I froze in fearful uncertainty
How does one greet oneself?
How do you say hello
To fragments of yourself
Phantoms of yesterday
Who haunt my today

I turned to run
Fearful of my fear
But love, took me
By the hand, held me
And whispered in my ear
This is yourself, the other part
The shadow you

We met
This shadow and I
And looking in his eyes
I saw myself as I had been
Another self, yet still the same
Two survivors who had endured

Two tales of one story

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Take me to the shore


Carry me to the shore
The shore I cannot see
Let me land on land
Let my soul feel the sand

I’ve come from far
Yet not that far
The soil of the other shore
Is still in me

The nights have been long
Too long and dark
The shadows have now
Infected me

I’ve wandered life’s currents
Searched the mysteries of Pleiades
While floating in wonder
As faith drifted from me

Carry me to the shore
I’d like to rest awhile
Carry me to that shore
To feel the ground under me

Malcontent with certainties
I search new truths
Only to grow discontent
Once more….

Once more, I leave
Catching the tide
I leave this shore
And I pray

Grant me faith in currents
Gift me hopeful doubt
Bless me with hesitant love
While you carry me


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Untitled


What trickery was used?
To slip under bolted doors
And windows warped with tears
Did the fool in me
Unlock the key?

The key to what, I am not sure
Perhaps to roles, I played
Parts played out in masquerades
Of pallid grins, death masks in
Sarcophaguses of suffocation

Who is this one?
This ragged composite of my fragments
Another role? A recent avatar
Whose ruses rise
To mock the masquerades of past incarnations

Who am I?
Whose certainties are flawed
Pock-marked by insecurities
Wind whipped by ambiguity
Eroded by life’s daily accretions
  
I am he who lives in
Patchwork palaces stitched with
Isolated molecules of faith
Strung between the stars
A fool prepared to hope


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Now is the time


Now is the time
Of sullen winds
And scudding clouds
Glowering in their gloom

This time of surly discontent
When dying leaves
With mob mentality
Congregate to wither and decompose

It is the time
When pools of puddles
Lie in languid disarray
Shallow mirrors of reflecting grey

This time, when love
With thoughtless haste
Comes bursting through
Untimed, unseasonal, insistent

It is the time, when tender shoots
Of quivering hope and love’s anticipation
Burst with rainbow ferocity
On monastic routines

This time when
Sacred rituals of security
Implode with rebellious disarray
And risk winks in invitation

It is the time
This moment,
The unseen second
That invites me


Yes, now is the time

Monday, April 28, 2014

The note


It travelled to me
Or perhaps
It travelled from me
A single note

At first more vibration
A slight quiver
A soft sound
Lost amidst the noise

The sounds of other notes
More strident
Pushy, insistent tones
Insecurity hidden in volume

Yet resolute
The trembling vibration
Grew, steadied
Perforating other sounds

Then stopped in silence
In drawn breath
Waiting, suspended
In still space

Then pulsating
It travelled to me
Though it also travelled
From me

The solitary note
The I am
Eternal harmony
Echoing in my heart

A single note
From The Note
The sound and the silence
Are One


Friday, April 25, 2014

The builder


You built a cubby
Square box
Of knotted pine
A fortress in my imagination
More a coffin
For a dead relationship

The smell of resin
Still lingers
And takes me back
Standing there
Watching you
The builder

You built a shed
Square coffin of bricks
Play and make believe was over
I had to learn to be a man
I never was quite sure and
For you I never was

The smell of cement
Still lingers
And takes me back
Standing there
Watching you
The builder

You built a house
A house of cards
Nailed with
Your animosity
Roofed with
Frustrated rage

The scent of rage
Still lingers
Tendrils caught
Within my heart
Remembering you
The builder

I built a hardened heart
To keep you out
I was your shame
The human part
You hated, and
Never learnt to love

The scent of shame
Still lingers
I know it very well
Your gift
My legacy, from
You, the builder


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Hello


Hello, my old foe
You have come
Back to me

I missed you when
You first came in
I thought it was me

I thought we had finished
You and me
It was a truce

Now, we start again
Start again
In a different place

Fresh wounds
Geriatric rage
I am what you hate

Sibilant whispers
Lisping in foggy
Memory

Introjected from the grave
I carry your
Sound and hate

But I
Will not die down
I will not give in

I will pull
Your poison
From my heart

I will not
Succumb
Succubus of my past





Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Twice born


It’s true
I was twice born
Though I didn’t know
Till today

At my first birth
You were not there
Maternal love
Suffocated

Strangled by
Depressions cord
Soul eaten by
Post partum blackness

My life, emerged
External burden
Born then borne
With little joy

My second birth
I was not there
Love had left
Long before you

The corpse of
Our love, unburied
Lay long years
Rotting between us

A carcass, bloated,
For you to feed off
With your shark like
Ferocity and speed

I was not there
When you cast your moorings
And the tide of dementia
Drifted in

As you lost your moorings
And life washed you out
I was not there
As life breathed out

In your going
I had my second birth
And I cried

When I was born twice

Eulogy for my mother

This feeling


It came in
Through the front door
It was only meant to be him
But the feeling came in too

He touched his arm
His eyes lit up
And met his gaze
In welcome recognition

A gift once given
Was given twice
This feeling roused
A hibernating heart

Somewhere
Between sips of wine
And strings of words
Lips found time to touch

And in that glancing touch
Warmed by wine
Eyes, flickered held, as

Love closed the door

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Between


I reached between the stars
Cold sentinels of space
I scattered my prayers
Meteors of faith
Flashed brilliant
Then disappeared
With no response

I reached between the stars
And pulled eternity to me
Its veil of inky blackness
Shrouding my anonymity
And calling into space
Reverberating echoes of silence
Came back to haunt me

I reached between the stars
A traveller, I travelled far
In the spaces of my soul
Unanswered prayers
No longer disappoint
Nor echoes of silence
Plague me

I reached between
For life is lived between
Between this kiss and the next
Between the blink of eyes
Between the sighing breath
It is enough
To live between

One day,
Somewhere in between
The melody will call me
The harmonic symphony
Of eternal silence
And I will no longer
Be between


Monday, April 21, 2014

Danced with the Moon


I danced with the moon
In the dead of night
I danced in the light of her arms

She woke me
Light kisses on eye lashes
Cool silvery light

She knew how to
Entice me, seduce me
In the dead of night

Aroused
She roused me
She lured me

Naked
She caressed me
Light fingers of platinum

She hung her
Silver chandelier
In the ballroom of the bush

She pulled me to her
She had her way, as we danced
In the dead of night

She left me, spent.
Faithless lover
But she will be back

And we will
Dance again

In the dead of night

Sunday, April 20, 2014

The silent order


They stand uneven
As the shore line

Cowled in hoodies
A monastic order
Of silent men

Complexities of emotion
Nuances of feeling
Compacted to a phrase
Understood by the brotherhood

Peace found
In hissing surf and
Squabbling seagulls
Content to flow around
These silent dawn intruders

Prayer rediscovered
For the sea to yield
Its bounty
That big one
They can brag about
For size still matters

Lines flicked out
Rise
Shimmer in sunlight
Then cascade
Into Neptune’s hall

They stand, they wait
Hoping, desiring, lusting
While surf
Caresses their feet

Cowled in hoodies
They are the brotherhood
Of silent men

Having faced the sea

They turn and face the sun

Friday, April 18, 2014

Immerse me


Immerse me
In your coldness
Let my cells contract
In your icy embrace

Wash the grime
Of my masculinity
Let your frigidity
Sooth me

Baptised
I do not die
Resurrected
I am not renewed

I glide into you,
Through you
Stroke after stroke
Till lost in you

Thought stills
Drawn into you
Still reflection
Of nights queen

I rise
Resurrected and
Unredeemed
Still the same

I walk into the night
It is enough
I am content
I am a man


Time inhaled


Time inhaled
In smoky water
Seconds paused
Slowed, disengaged

At 7 an opening door
Slim shadow on the threshold
Eyes that spoke
Before a word

Stars pinned
In inky velvet
Dance in
Deverish delight

Your voice
From far away
Floats to me
Reaches out to touch

Lips, warmed
By flickering hope
Lips ice cold
From disillusioned kissing

Suspended in this
Spinning vortex
Kissed into surrender
Submerged in your arms

Will we dance?
You and I
Submerged and suspended
Will we dance?


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The path


There is a path
A path I walk
It is a shaded path
More ballroom
For dancing shadows
That flit and flirt
Amongst the debris
Of the path

There is a path
A path I walk
More a line between
This side and the next
I try to stay this side
And like Odysseus
Not hear the siren song
Of the next

There is a path
A path I walk
Marked by footsteps
Dried dusty imprints
The whispering indents
Of other lives
Shades dancing
In the shadows of my path

There is a path
A path I walk
It disappears
Around the bend
The bend is close
Yet not close enough
I want to walk around the bend
And go onto the next

There is a path
A path I walk
I want to stop for now
I will be back
Again sometime
Then, perhaps I will walk
That path with less pain

Than the last

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Cruising


Body parts neatly framed
Already amputated
Stamp sized
Ready to paste

A chest
Hairy and broad
Thighs
Smooth and slim

Don’t let reality
Limit your choice
The man of your dreams
Can be assembled

Keep the conversation
Light and superficial
Stay on the surface
Don’t dive deep

Maintain the
Delusion of illusion
Remember
Size is what’s important

To survive
You have to learn
You are not significant
Simply a statistic

A body part
In another man’s illusion
An amputated photo

In his delusion

Saturday, April 5, 2014

I Sit


I sit
Suspended over
Thoughts chasm
The abyss between
Two possibilities

I stare
Observing
The quick sands
Of desire
Sucking at my soul

I pray
For home
Where I can return
And lay down
Lay myself down

I hope
For the kind touch
Of  a stranger
To keep me
This side of the line

I ask
The gods
To be generous
And grant me the gift
Of a short life

I wonder
Are strangers kind?
Do gods answer prayer?

Will you greet me?
When I get home

Friday, April 4, 2014

Fragment of Expectation


The matter is resolved
Finished, completed

The decision is made
A choice accepted

I am content,
Settled, happy

Yet

A fragment of
Expectation lies

A neural splinter
Within my mind

The unseen itch
I cannot scratch

The eyelash
Caught in my stare

This fragment of anticipation
Lying makes a liar of me

Hope springs eternal
With just enough moisture

To turn my stern decision
Into a swampy mess


Saturday, March 29, 2014

Mortals of flawed choices


I listen while
Your breath laps
Against the shadows
Chasing seconds
Then exhaled
Into nights grayness

The edges of life
Softened into
Dark ambiguity
Possibilities unthinkable
In sunlight
Dreamed into reality

Your heart
Sleeping wide awake
Cultures Sentry guarding
Secrets buried deep
Loves painful choices
Made and carried in silence

What tide brought you here?
Into this room
To lie against the
Flotsam of my life
The irony of trajectories
Age and youth

Choices made
As best we could
We have learnt to live
With guilt and pain
Yet may the gods be kind to us
Mortals of flawed choices


Friday, March 28, 2014

Don't say it


Shhhhhhh!
Do not say that word
Kiss me with seductive lips
But leave the word unsaid

Kiss me softly
With eyes tight shut
So you can imagine
Someone else

Dance with me
In tangled shadows
Hips in tango
But do not speak

Let’s promise
Each other eternity
With eyes
Tight shut

Silence does not
Break a heart
Suspended in the web
Of love’s spun delusion

It is the single salty tear
That slowly trickles
Into the cracks
That shatters the heart




Sunday, March 23, 2014

Shards of Time


Shards of moments
Inconsequential slivers
Of seconds
Slip silently
In some
Invisible stream

Moments chipped from blocks
Of hours
Broken fragments
Too minuscule to gather
They speed away from me
And mock me in their going.

I seek some grand design
Some noble narrative
To gift some purpose
Yet life is simply
Shards of time
Slivers of inconsequential moments


The Search


I searched for love,
I had it once
At least for part of me
Perhaps I was greedy
And wanted love for all of me
The whole and not the half

I made a choice
For truth
Thinking with truth
Love would follow
Yet love smiled
And wished me all the best

Like many men
I’ve looked for love again
Yet Love is coy
It seems some deception
Suits Love best
Rather than the glare of truth

And grown tired of searching
I’ve learnt to accommodate
Our frailties
The vacillating kiss
The touch that has
Not substance

When I slip
Between the folds of time
Into the arms of Love
Will she be kind?
With my choice
Of truth over her

I do not know
All I can do
Is forgive myself
For choices made
With good intentions
And hindsight’s benefits