I Remember

Eyes agate cold

Hard black ice

Hatred’s disengagement

Disappointments toughened gaze

I remember the silence

Of simple words unspoken

“I love you” never heard

Until doubt made me ask

Thrown away line

“Of course”

And

God loves you if you are good

How could I be good enough

For God

When flesh of flesh

Was never good enough for you

Sperm grown from you

Male of male

Your hatred of your sexuality

Thrown full force in my face

Do I forgive?

It’s the Christian thing to do

Yet truth be told

I’m not sure I do

There is a part, Kronos like of mythology

Would take a sickle to dis-embowel

To see in eyes agate cold

The pain you caused in me

They say it’s patricide

Yet how could it be

That implies you were

A father to me

Your restless soul

Stalks the corridors of eternity

Still comes back to me

And I confess

If I could rip your soul apart

I’d tear you space from space

I’d throw my rage back in your face

Your disappointing son

I know you passed to me

The legacy of our family

Yet you and your God

Were impotent

Content to rage in

Hatred for your humanity

And wreck revenge

On me

And I, Vesuvius capped

Have learnt to smile

Yet sulphuric volcanic rage

Within subterranean layers roils

For I remember

But I will not let you win

Anger will be transformed

The phoenix will rise within